IVF Update | Transfer Day is Here!

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A piece of my heart is sitting in a lab in San Ramon…

The days since the retrieval have been long and filled with anxiety. I told my doctor I feel like I’ve been on pins and needles every day, waiting for news about my embryos. I expected to get updates about our four embryos each morning, but I only got a call on Day 1 (with the fertilization report), Day 3 and, today, Day 5. Suffice to say, days 2 and 4 were completely nerve-wracking, wondering what might be going on in that laboratory 30 miles away. Saying a prayer for my babies every free minute that I wasn’t working or sleeping. Hoping with all my heart that they were doing well, that they were growing and dividing and doing all the things that embryos should do.

To say I’ve been a total mess would be an understatement. Maybe it’s the Estrace, maybe it’s the Endometrin, but I’ve been emotionally unstable at best. And truly, I doubt it’s the medication. It’s deep desire mixed with incredible fear. I already shared about the emotions surrounding our egg retrieval and Day 1 update. Many tears.

On Monday morning (Day 3), I had just finished making a bowl of oatmeal when my phone rang. It was the clinic. I took a deep breath, tried my best to steady myself, and answered the call. It was Dr. Willman with an update. She informed me that three of our embryos were doing well, they were dividing nicely, and one was what they would consider fair — it was dividing more slowly than the others, but it could catch up. 

As much as I wanted to hold it together, I broke down. Literally. At first I tried to scribble notes on a scrap piece of paper so I could relay the information to my husband. But as the tears flooded my eyes I had to stop and I fell to the floor beside the desk.

I broke down mostly out of relief for the positive news, but there was also a bit of sadness for the runt of the litter. And of course I was still somewhat paralyzed by the fears that never want to leave my mind, of what could happen in the days ahead. Sitting on my knees, sniffling, choking back tears, I told Dr. Willman I was trying not to cry… quite unsuccessfully. She understood, but told me to focus on the positive. Three embryos were doing very well and we were on track for a transfer on Wednesday.

Today is that day. Transfer day. We’ve made it. It was a long five days but here we are, by the grace of God. I fully believe He has been with us, and our embryos, through it all.

The doctor’s update this morning was positive as well. She said we have a nice embryo for transfer today, and two others that she thinks will be at the blastocyst stage by tomorrow, and can then be frozen.

The last few days, I’ve had lots of questions. I’ve been wondering if I should have been asking more questions. But every time I get a call, I’m so overcome with emotion that all I can usually manage to say is “OK” and “thank you.” Yesterday, looking at the social accounts of other infertile women on journeys that are aligning with my own, I began to feel doubt. Should I know more about my embryos? Should I have had another appointment at the clinic since the retrieval for an ultrasound or blood draw? But I decided I have no need or room for more doubt. What I need is trust. To trust that my doctor knows what she is doing. It’s not necessary for me to know all the technicalities at this point. Because at the end of the day there is nothing I can do but pray, wait and trust.

I’m excited and nervous for our transfer, happening just after noon, today. I have so much love and hope for this little embryo. My mother-in-law texted me that she is praying today will be the beginning of my nine-month journey to becoming a mommy. That’s my prayer, too.