In the weeks that followed our positive beta test, I had so many thoughts and emotions going through my heart and mind. I wasn't yet able to share those here, or on my other social feeds, but I wrote them down anyway. It was such an important release for me. Now that the secret is out, I'm ready to share. As always, thank you for reading and for your unending support!
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March 29, 2017
Today is an important day. This afternoon, I will have my first sonogram.
It’s been almost three weeks since we found out that I’m pregnant. It’s been 14 days since my last beta test. Technically, I’m 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant. (Gestational age is based on your last period, so confusing I know!) There has been a lot of waiting along this journey. Counting days in not new to me. And yet these past two weeks of waiting — waiting for the sonogram, the one that will confirm if my pregnancy is healthy and viable — those two weeks have been the longest of my life.
At first I found it hard to believe that I even was pregnant. Part of me didn’t want to believe it. I was afraid to get too excited, too attached. Afraid that believing and rejoicing would make it harder if things didn’t go the way we hoped.
But this past week I’ve found optimism to come a bit easier than is typical for me. I’m not exactly sure what shifted my perspective. I haven’t had strong pregnancy symptoms, which of course has also been a source of worry. I’ve been bloated and gassy mostly. More exhausted in the evenings. Only occasional bouts of mild nausea that pass quickly. In recent days, I’ve been hungrier than usual between meals while at work. I try to take all these little things as positive signs. But I have at times wished that I’d need to run to the bathroom to throw up, or have some more dramatic signal that, yes, you are in fact pregnant.
I think finding an OB and booking my first prenatal appointment may have been a source of release and relief. (If all looks good at today’s sonogram, I’ll have to "graduate" from my fertility clinic.) When I called my primary care physician’s office to get a referral for the OB, and then again when I phoned the OB’s office to book an appointment, I had to actually say the words, to a complete stranger no less, “I’m pregnant.” And in response, the receptionists congratulated me on the happy news. I think those simple acts helped everything feel much more real.
With my optimism growing in each passing day, I’m feeling excited for today’s appointment. We get to see our baby! But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still nervous or fearful that the doctor will find something wrong. I’m only 6 weeks pregnant. My baby is the size of a lentil. My little sweet pea is so small, so fragile. But my husband keeps reminding me how strong our embryo was, even in the lab. The photo of our embaby is propped up on my nightstand, next to a picture of Greg and I, and I look at it every morning and night. I even give it a kiss sometimes. In bed I’ll often put my hand on my tummy and pray for the little life inside me to keep growing, and I thank God for such a beautiful miracle. No matter what, this baby is already so loved.
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Next: Seeing our baby for the first time! (And the dramatic evening that followed... It's a doozy.)
More: Read about the day we found out we were expecting!
(Post image via She Reads Truth)
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