TEN

And just like that, baby girl is 10 months old! Now it really feels like the countdown to the one-year mark is on, and birthday party planning is in full swing! These next two months are going to fly by, I’m sure, but I don’t want time to tick on too quickly. Can my baby stay a baby just a little longer?

Delilah has been changing and progressing so much lately… I am simultaneously incredibly proud of her and her development, and also feeling nostalgic about those newborn days (the non-colicky ones, ha!) that seem so long ago now. Mostly, though, I spend my days cheering her on to her next milestone because it is a special thrill to watch your baby grow and achieve. 

Delilah is driven and determined, as well as easily frustrated when she can’t do what she wants to do… So when she finally reaches a goal, you can see the pride spread across her face in the sweetest smile. Our girl is more mobile and social than ever before, and it’s a joy to watch her personality blossom. She’s often shy (with others) and sometimes sassy (with us). She can be silly, she’s ticklish. She’s super observant and incredibly smart. She is definitely impatient (especially when waiting for food). And she is obsessed with / fascinated by the strangest things (our smartphones, glasses and wallets). She doesn’t say much but she understands a lot, and she makes her feelings known through grunts, giggles and gurgles, as well as cooing and crying, of course. She has her favorite things — her favorite types of food (fruit of all kinds, or zucchini), her favorite books (and pages within those books), her favorite TV show (Mickey, duh)… She’s her own little person! And it’s amazing to see.

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New and notable this past month, in no particular order:

Stats: Delilah weighs approximately 17 lbs 15 oz (so almost 18 pounds!), is currently in size 4 diapers (we just moved her up, she's technically between sizes but she needed the extra length) and wears mostly 6-9 month clothing.

We enrolled in the Baby Lab class at Gymboree, which seems to have helped ease Delilah’s anxiety around strangers. While she has lots of “baby friends” now, she still quite introverted.

Our girl attended church for the first time (Brave Church in San Ramon) and she loved the music and whenever the congregation clapped.

Our little bird became a little fish, going swimming for the first time! She was apprehensive at first but then she had a blast cruising around in her pool float and splashing the water.

Delilah also went to a farmer's market for the first time this past month and she LOVED sampling all the fruit!

After an immensely difficult week while Daddy was away (the first time Mama was on solo baby duty) that included lots of fighting sleep, Delilah is no longer rocked to sleep for naps or bedtime, and she goes to sleep on her own! Not always easily, and there’s usually a few minutes of fussing, but surprisingly she is much better at putting herself down than we thought she’d be. First-time parenthood = always learning new things.

Weirdly, now that she puts herself to sleep, she snoozes mostly on her belly instead of her side!

Delilah loves to crawl around the house and especially enjoys going after the dogs. She’s still a champion belly crawler but Delilah is getting her knees up and under her more and more. She often plays while kneeling, or reaches for a toy on her knees. There have been several occasions (mostly at Gymboree! inspired by other babies?) where she crawls on hands and knees briefly but then she inevitably slides back down to her belly.

Sitting up on her own is easy-peasy now, and in the past two weeks Delilah has begun pulling up to a stand! When she first sat up in her crib, we lowered the mattress. Then she started pulling up onto her knees so we lowered it more. Now she can get up on her feet pretty quickly so the mattress is down as far as it can go! She also pulls up on the gate surrounding her play area. I was shocked when I turned my back to grab something out of the diaper bag the other day and when I spun back around Delilah was standing up, fairly steady, like “hey mom, look what I can do!” Of course she fell to her booty before I could snap a photo. She also really likes using Mama as a jungle gym, crawling into my lap and grabbing on / pushing up. Lately, all Delilah wants to do is practice her new trick, which is good because she still needs to work on keeping her “ballerina” feet flat on the ground, instead of standing on tip-toe, and finding her balance. (At the moment, she’s like a wobbly baby deer, or — what I really call her when she stumbles around — a drunk baby!)

Other signs our baby girl is growing up: She takes baths on her own (without a seat) in the big tub; she eats 2-3 meals a day and uses a plate (most of the time) and, very recently, is learning to drink from a straw cup; and she can sometimes play by herself without needing mom or dad’s direct attention.

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Delilah Wren, we are so proud of all you have accomplished, but don't grow up too fast, mkay?

NINE

Baby girl turned 9 months old this week! With the busyness and stress of moving to our new home at Camp Parks, the milestone kind of crept up on me… And yet, while Delilah's eighth month may have seemingly gone by in a flash, I wouldn’t say it was one of those “time flies when you’re having fun” scenarios. In many ways this past month was one of the hardest ones we’ve had — at least since Delilah’s colicky/gassy/reflux-y newborn stage. The culprit this time? Teething. Delilah’s first tooth started breaking through her bottom gum on July 6, and a few days later the one next to it started making an appearance too, and both teeth have been giving her (and us) a very hard time ever since. She was actually feeling so miserable on Monday (lots of crying, about everything) that we had to postpone her nine-month photo opp until Tuesday. 

Three weeks and only half of the teeth have emerged above the gumline… they are just the slowest growing little things! And while everyone says the pain of cutting a tooth goes away or subsides once it breaks through the gum, this is not the case for Delilah. This past week has seemed even more bothersome for her. (Maybe there are other teeth coming that we can’t yet see?) On top of the teething, Delilah’s been struggling with major separation anxiety/clinginess, has developed a case of stranger danger (if she doesn’t know you and you say hello, cue the waterworks!) and, according to the Wonder Weeks, she's in the middle of leap 6 (which I haven’t even had time to read about!).

Suffice to say, Month 8 was filled with a lot of tears (hers and mine) and lots of difficult bedtimes, followed by middle-of-the-night wake-ups. “Sleeping through the night” is a rare luxury lately, where previously Delilah had been a pretty decent sleeper.

It goes without saying but I’ll say it: This girl is my whole world and she has my whole heart. When she hurts, I hurt. When she’s mad, I’m madder (ha!). Seriously though, as hard as this past month has been, there have been joys too. And every happy moment, every smile, makes the tough times worth it and pushes me to get up — bright and early! — each morning to do it all over again and hopefully be the best mama I can be.

And through the difficulties of teething and clinginess and leaps, our sweet, shy bird is slowly coming into her own… Often now I see a strong, bright and feisty girl about to blossom (watch out, world!). With each new skill she learns, she becomes more confident, more opinionated (a nice way of saying impatient) and more determined.

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New and notable this month:

Probably the sweetest, cutest accomplishment: Delilah learned to kiss! She now gives mama and daddy drooly, open-mouth kisses. She likes to stick her tongue out for good measure! French baby kisses :) She finds the act wholly amusing.

Delilah also enjoys being tickled, especially on her back, and the “Tickle Monster” is a new favorite game when she is in a giggly mood

Speaking of games, baby girl played peekaboo a couple times, by lifting a blanket in front of her face and then dropping it. When mama said “peekaboo,” she smiled and did it again! Usually we’re the ones hiding from her (and she loves it, this game can always get her to crack a grin or distract her from something she doesn't like)

Delilah started doing this funny thing of lifting toys over her head, and we weren’t quite sure why… then she started doing it with her food/spoon… Eventually we figured out that she wanted to share with us! She will now often go back and forth, taking a bite and then offering the food (or a teether) to us before back in her mouth it goes

Blame it on teething or the leap or just loving mama SO much but Delilah is in a new phase of wanting to bite mommy, especially at bedtime. She’ll try to bite my hands, arms, chest, anywhere she can reach (she even bit my foot the other day!) but for some reason she never tries to bite daddy. Hmmm… And even though her teeth are only halfway in, man are those things sharp!

Delilah is belly crawling still, and sort of hates being on her knees despite our attempts to help her get more comfortable kneeling and putting weight on them. She has, however, sat up on her own a couple of times, always to our surprise! She comes up from laying on her back/side — girl has some serious core strength 

Now that we are in our new place, bath time has been happening in an actual bath tub and baby girl loves it! It’s fun to watch her having fun in the water and have this “chore” be less like a chore and more like play!

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A final note about the evil that is teething: Although it has caused us all a lot of grief and I pray subsequent teeth won’t take nearly as long or hurt her nearly as bad, I am excited for her to have the extra “help” while eating plus it is really cute to see those teeny-tiny pearly whites peek out she smiles. 

EIGHT

Another four weeks have flown by and our girl is 8 months old! And for some reason, hitting 8 months is freaking this mama out. I shared my (albeit, crazy) thought process with Greg on a family walk the other day: Eight months is almost 9 months, which is almost a year! Ack! Why is time going by so fast?! I know, I know, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself and yet this baby of mine is growing up far too quickly for my liking. I want her to stay small and snugly and easy to contain, haha. 

Seriously though, our sweet little bird is much more spirited these days. Just this past month Delilah has gotten a lot stronger and much more active, and she definitely has opinions. Oh, does this girl have opinions. She wants things and will let you know how she feels if you are too slow or say no — not that she understands the word “no,” but she does understand when she doesn’t get what she wants (i.e., our phones, the TV remote control, the eye glasses on my face… basically anything within arm’s reach). Nevertheless, this not-yet crawling or standing baby will attempt (and half-succeed) to lunge out of our arms to grab something, and she’s been honing her army-crawling skills, though a lot of the time she’s just face down in the blanket, rubbing her nose in the floor in frustration. Our former tummy-time hater can, however, do a fast and mean PIVOT! 

Despite all this growth and newfound strength, Delilah is still a sensitive and delicate flower at times. We often sing “Twinkle Twinkle” to soothe her during diaper changes, outfit changes, mealtime cleanup, etc. And our gal is still very observant and detail-oriented, which can make her seem like a very serious baby but she’s just taking it all in and figuring out the world around her.

Side note: The dress Delilah is wearing in these photos is the one Greg and I picked out at a cute local boutique the day we learned we were having a girl! So sweet to finally see her in it.

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Other news and accomplishments this past month:

Sitting up! Just a week after turning 7 months old, Delilah sat up on her own for the first time. Several weeks of sitting practice and leg stretching, especially, paid off and Delilah’s balance and flexibility has continued to improve in the last three weeks. In fact, in just the past two days she has started to prop herself with her hands while leaning forward to reach things and she is using her arms to catch herself (sometimes) from tipping over sideways. She also is slowly becoming more graceful at getting out of the sitting position and onto her belly, a move that is almost always done in an effort to reach Cali or, secondarily, to see the TV.

Just a couple days before that big milestone, we hit another one: transitioning Delilah to her crib. We did it on a whim, cold turkey. No practice napping in the crib or anything. Daddy just decided he wanted our bedroom back — he was tired of tip-toeing in at night — and he put her in the crib that night. She actually took to it well all things considered, though she was waking up at least once in the middle of the night for weeks, which mama had to deal with since Dada is a heavy, deep sleeper. There were many times it took an hour or more to get her back to bed but its getting better. The last week or so there have been several nights with no wakings, and the nights that she does happen to wake up I can sometimes just slip her Wubba and quickly retreat. We’ve also transitioned Delilah out of her puffy Merlin Magic Sleep Suit and into a thinner, lighter sleep sack — a change that did not go well the first time we tried it! We waited a few weeks and tried again and now baby girl seems very comfortable because she can sleep on her side (either one), which she prefers.

We don’t have a well visit for another month but we weighed Delilah at home and she’s clocking in at a little over 17 lbs now! She’s in size 3 diapers and starting to wear 6-9 month clothes but can still fit her 3-6 month onesies and shirts.

As to be expected with a teething baby, playtime is often more about “what can I put in my mouth?” than actual play. Delilah just wants to grab and chew everything. You can tell her gums are sore because of the sort of crooked way she holds her mouth when she cries or when she rubs her tongue over them, but still no teeth breaking through!

Our little bird isn’t babbling yet (no matter how much we try to get her to say “mama” or “dada” or “baba”) but still lots of cooing and gurgling when she’s happy. And nothing guarantees a smile more lately than Mickey Mouse! She gets so excited whenever Mickey comes on and she loves all the clubhouse songs, especially the Hot Dog Dance. I swear she wants to get up and boogie! She stretches out her arms, wiggles her legs and feet, and grunts and squeals in delight.

Delilah also still loves turning the pages of books, to the point of obsession. She goes lightening speed, clearly not caring about the story or the pictures but simply the act (and accomplishment) of page turning. She actually gets mad if I try to slow her down and read! As much as I may want to read her the book, I try to follow her lead and let the girl do what she wants to do. Her dexterity is getting better every day and she is able to turn the pages of some of her board books on her own!

I should have mentioned last month that she was already much more skilled at manipulating objects with her hands, especially at mealtimes. She would often pass the spoon or piece of food from one hand to another to get a better grip (or, to turn the spoon the right way). Practice makes progress so she continues to improve and is able to pick up smaller pieces of food now, such as half a raspberry — though puffs still evade her grasp and frustrate her completely.

Delilah can also put her beloved Wubba back in her own mouth now, though many times (especially if she is half asleep!) she is lazy and opens her mouth waiting for us to do it.

She’s begun to bang her hands on things, mostly the highchair tray. But (as of this writing) she’s also learned to bang toys together, too. While she can’t clap, she is absolutely fascinated when mama claps a rhythm. She’s enjoying her light-up musical drumming toy even more now that she can effectively hit the buttons! (Similarly, baby girl has also gotten good at actually shaking her rattles.)

I’ve started implementing a few Montessori techniques at home such as presenting like toys and materials in a “treasure basket” for Delilah to explore, and she really seems to love taking items out of the baskets, examining each one and, of course, figuring out which fits best in her mouth :)

SEVEN

It seems that I pen the same things every month but it all remains true: Time is going by in a blink! Our baby girl is growing so fast (16 lbs 4 oz now), and Greg and I just couldn’t be more proud at all she’s learned and accomplished so far. Sometimes — especially when I get nostalgic and scroll through old photos, usually late at night after Delilah has gone to bed — I want to hit pause and freeze time, to keep my squishy little babe a baby forever. And yet, simultaneously, I can’t wait to see what our little girl will do next.

She fills our days with joy and purpose and we’d do anything to see her smile and hear her laugh. (Oh man do those giggles make my heart just soar!) Parenthood isn’t always easy (as any parent knows) and our everyday is not always a picture perfect fairytale, but I have to say that overall parenting Delilah is pretty damn good and the hard moments in between just make the good ones that much sweeter. Our little bird’s favorite board book is called “Will You Be My Sunshine?” and she most certainly is that light in our life.

“I’m so glad you are my sunshine, my rainbow up above. 

My bright star and moonbeam. My sweet and precious love.”

We love you, Delilah! To the moon and the stars, all the way around the sun and back again.

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New and notable this past month:

The biggest change is that Delilah started solids! She is great with a spoon, and prefers it actually. We’re working on picking up finger-sized pieces of food. Sometimes she’s into it, and other times not so much. There isn’t much she doesn’t like (she’s even jumped on board the avocado bandwagon!) but I’d say her favorites are yogurt, banana and sweet potato. But she also gobbled up a pea and summer squash puree I made, as well as a bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal. 

I heard about a challenge called “100 foods before 1” and it sounds like a fun goal! We’re only a month in and so far Delilah has tried 23 different foods: 

1. avocado
2. sweet potato
3. banana
4. salmon
5. plain yogurt
6. yellow bell pepper (raw)
7. carrots
8. black beans
9. turkey
10. egg
11. wheat toast
12. pasta (marinara)
13. summer squash
14. oatmeal
15. strawberry
16. bolognese sauce
17. peanut butter
18. raspberries
19. broccoli (raw)
20. flank steak
21. apples (granny smith)
22. peas
23. zucchini

She’s also experienced several different flavors and spices: lemon, lime, cinnamon, curry powder, garlic powder, paprika, turmeric, chile powder, cumin, olive oil, butter and coconut oil.

Now that she’s been introduced to food, if you eat around her and she doesn’t have something to munch on as well, she gets mad. Luckily if we’re out at a restaurant she’s pretty content with a teething wafer. She loves them and it’s good fine motor skill practice! As far as drinking out of an open cup, she is still getting the hang of it, some days she is better than others and some days she even holds onto the cup herself. 

The only thing Delilah hates about mealtime is… cleanup time! She cries every time we have to wipe her hands and face. Sorry, kid, it’s just part of the deal.

And while our little eater has been teething for four months now — and it’s quite bothersome to her some days, poor thing — still no teeth!

Aside from learning how to eat, we’ve very recently introduced sign language to Delilah to hopefully give her a way to communicate her needs even before she can begin to talk. (I can already tell she understands a lot of what Greg and I say to her, particularly repetitive phrases that we use often, she just can’t really reply.) I’ve mostly been focusing on teaching signs at mealtime — signs for “more” and “water,” as well as “milk” during bottle feedings — but I’ve also incorporated the “all done” sign into playtime when it seems that she is done with a toy or game. I’ve also been trying to teach Delilah to wave hello, and there have been a couple times where it seemed like she was really trying to mimic mama’s hand movement. Other times she just grabs my hand :)

We’re still working on sitting, but we’re getting closer! Delilah’s legs and hips are tight and she likes to straighten her legs, keeping them rigid and stiff as opposed to letting them lay wide and floppy to give herself a good base. So I’m working leg stretches into our sitting practice sessions. But when her head is up and she’s looking at something at eye level, Delilah can actually sit pretty well on her own for several seconds, so I know that she’ll master sitting up soon enough. Until then she still really enjoys rolling around on the floor and playing with her toys, which is a good thing because although it looks like she really wants to crawl at times, she needs to gain more strength first. She's is excellent at pivoting though!

The only real “negative” this past month is that sleep hasn’t been great. Delilah’s been more difficult to get down and many nights she wakes up after only a few hours… or at 3 a.m. She’s been getting a lot of cuddle time in the bed because often that is the only way to get her to go back to sleep. We’re hoping this development is just due to the leap she was going through or the infamous six-month sleep regression and that she’ll revert to her normal sleeping patterns soon. The wishful thinking of naive first-time parents? Maybe. She’s still in our bedroom, but that will likely change soon after we move to a new house in July (or sooner, hopefully!).

Delilah Eats: Let the Adventure into Solids Begin!

The following was written in bed, in the dark, on my phone at 2 a.m. on April 21. #momlife #mombrain #thisiswhyIcantsleep ;)

I am getting excited — and admittedly a little anxious, but mostly excited — to introduce Delilah to "real" food! Over the past month or so, she's been watching my husband and I pretty intently while we eat. If she's playing, she just stops and stares. It is so interesting to her! And for weeks now she's expressed a strange enthusiasm for mugs and cups (and wine glasses!), following them with her eyes as we drink and even reaching out to touch them. But it wasn't until this past week, while out at restaurants, that she started to actually make grabs for our plates of food (and forks)! Clearly, this girl is ready to eat. And I'm feeling more confident that she is, in fact, ready for this next phase as her head and neck have gotten stronger and she attempts more and more to sit up.

Starting solids is something that holds special meaning to me, and likely other mamas too. Because food is more than food; it’s relational.

I'm a lover of gourmet eats and dining out — call me a foodie, if you must — and both my husband and I enjoy cooking. As such, long before I got pregnant, I would daydream about the types of breakfasts and after-school snacks I would make my kids and I'd wonder if my children would be fans of my favorite dinner dishes. (I hope Delilah will like black beans because they're a go-to!) I'd imagine holiday dinners with my family's traditional cuisine, such as rice pudding at Christmas. I couldn't wait to cook for my little one, to provide delicious, satisfying, nourishing and creative eats. And now that my baby is almost 6 months old, I'm highly anticipating our first family meal (at the dining table! Even though that means clearing it off and no longer using it as a catch-all).

I've given Delilah's first foray into foods probably more (no, scratch that — definitely more) thought than my hubby would have liked. I've read two books {this and this} and countless online articles, and I even took an e-course! I've debated high chairs, spoons and cups. I've carefully selected her very first foods. Oftentimes my tendency to examine and research and (over)analyze gets the better of me. But I just have this strong desire to "get it right." What do they call that? Worried first-time mama syndrome? Seriously though, I haven't always had the best relationship with food (eating when I'm bored/sad/stressed, eating until stuffed), and consequently my weight and self-image have suffered, and I want to help my daughter avoid that negativity if at all possible. If I can establish healthy eating habits and associations now, I'm all in.

Besides all that, it's gonna be FUN. I'm going to have to learn to let go a little because teaching a baby to eat is guaranteed to be messy, and flying food has the potential to drive me bonkers, but all the hilariously cute photo opps are sure to make the mess oh-so worth it.

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Fast-forward to today and guess what? We’re a week into our feeding adventure! We started slowly, with a few days of prep. Greg assembled the high chair on Sunday, April 22 (the day after I wrote the above prologue) and the next day I strapped Delilah in for a test run in which she got to munch on… spoons! Empty spoons. She checked out her new utensils {this and this} as well as her cup and she was pretty content just chew-chew-chewing away (those poor teething gums).

We “practiced” this way in the high chair every day for three days so that she could get used to the process and not feel overwhelmed once we introduced food. I planned to keep her “practicing” for about a week but by the third day she seemed to know there was supposed to be something more. I swear Delilah gave me these looks like, “hey ma, where’s the food?!” She was already sitting taller in the chair than on the first day so I decided it was time to give the girl what she wanted.

But, of course, the first meal didn’t go as planned.

The short story: She hated it.

Greg and I selected avocado as Delilah’s first food. The native Californians that we are, we love avocado and almost always have some in our kitchen. Avocados are healthy, too! Chock-full of good fats that support brain development. I simply mashed a ripe avocado with a fork, taking care to make sure it wasn’t too chunky. I loaded up the baby spoons and presented Delilah with her first bite. She eagerly grabbed the spoon and brought it to her tiny mouth. But her glee quickly turned to disgust! “What is THIS?” Her face was priceless. Funny even, initially. But after several attempts (including trying the other spoon) that led to the same reaction, her pouty cries turned to real upset. Greg and I comforted our babe, cleaned her up and took her out of the high chair.

I was disappointed, no doubt. I didn’t anticipate her hating her first food, but I knew I had no control over her reaction. And I also knew that it can take many tries for a baby to warm up to a new flavor or texture. All she’s ever had is (some) breastmilk and (lots of) formula. As much as she seemed ready and excited to eat, it’s really not surprising that she wasn’t into her very first taste of food. But we’ll keep trying avocado and hopefully after awhile she’ll join the bandwagon.

In the meantime, there are lots of other yummy things to eat! Delilah’s food diary thus far:

4/26 … mashed avocado // not a fan, quickly became upset

4/27 … mashed baked sweet potato // still apprehensive at the initial taste/texture, but liked it much better than avocado! // messily drank some water from her open cup for the first time

4/28 … leftover sweet potato, this time thinned with a bit of water and mixed with a pinch of cinnamon // improvement again! she ate/swallowed much of what was offered // drank beautifully from her cup, took four good sips

4/29 … mashed banana // definitely Delilah’s fave! hesitant at first, kept dropping spoon, but once she got a taste she couldn’t get enough. ate more than I expected and really seemed to enjoy it

4/30 … a little bit of everything: banana, sweet potato, and tried avocado again (sliced at first, then mashed) // didn’t eat as much as the day before, possibly overwhelmed by all the different flavors

4/30 (evening) … dinner with mom & dad: flaked salmon! // played with it at first, spreading it across her tray, but eventually grabbed a handful and attempted to bring it to her mouth. she then accepted my help and took a bite — didn't seem to love it but she didn’t hate it either

5/1 … plain full-fat Greek yogurt with a sprinkle of cinnamon, thinned slightly with water // made a face, probably due to the tartness of the yogurt, but kept going for more! // drank some water like usual, but she gets frustrated that mama won’t let her hold the cup by herself

5/1 (evening) … yellow bell pepper // munched on but didn’t actually eat a raw pepper slice that daddy was prepping for dinner (fajitas) // she seemed to like it, the cold hard vegetable likely felt good on her gums

5/2 … mashed steamed carrots mixed with a little water and melted butter to smooth it out, but it was still a little chunky // again, she seemed to like the taste but perhaps put off by the texture. will attempt to make her food a bit smoother in consistency and see how that goes!

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We’re still finding our way on this eating “real,” solid food adventure. I don’t rigidly subscribe to one particular feeding strategy. When it comes to traditional weaning vs. baby-led weaning I take a more middle-of-the-road approach. As much research as I’ve done, I’m still trying to figure it all out, honestly, and follow my baby’s lead. That is the one thing I am a big supporter of: baby-led feeding. I want to teach and encourage my daughter to feed herself from the start. And I want to be respectful of her and her body’s cues. When she’s full, she’s full. If she doesn’t like something, I’m not going to force it. At this point, food should be fun. She’s getting all the nutrition she needs in her bottles. Which means that mealtime in the high chair can focus on exploration and discovery: New tastes, textures, colors and smells;  learning how to pick things up; learning how to navigate food in her mouth. Interestingly enough, actually eating isn’t so important right now, though Delilah has done a bit of that. What is important though, to me anyway, is the experience.

So here’s to many more fun food adventures with my gal, to family dinners, afternoon snacks and Sunday brunches, and to more adorably hilarious photo opps. Cheers!

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I've taken way too many photos over the past week! Here is a sampling from Delilah's first bites:

sweet potato

banana

 salmon

yogurt

carrots

NIAW 2018: Flip the Script

National Infertility Awareness Week is technically over (I’m a day late!) but it got me thinking about my fellow infertility warriors — those still in the fight and those who are still healing from their battle wounds — and what NIAW means to me now. This kind of goes without saying but, infertility is a hard road to walk. You can feel helpless and hopeless, and too often alone. And even after you get your miracle, that pain of what you went through doesn't disappear. As in the wake of a bad relationship, you will sometimes carry (and open up) that baggage into your "happily ever after." Infertility changes you, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

Infertility cultivated within me patience and perseverance, and it forced me to find the positive — it was the only way to continue on. It reconnected me to my faith and required me to invest not only in treatment, but in hope. It strengthened the bonds of my marriage, deepening my husband and I's trust in one another. Infertility reaffirmed my heart's lifelong desire to be a mother and made the welcoming of my daughter that much sweeter. 

Infertility took from me the ability to get pregnant "the natural way," it took away the mystery and spontaneity of it all and it did, unfortunately, take a bit of the joy at times BUT infertility didn't steal one ounce of love out of the equation. Yes, we needed the help of science. Glorious, God-given science. Assisted reproductive technology is an amazing thing! But like any TTC couple, at the end of the day our effort to conceive was all about love. Love for each other and love for the life we so desperately wanted to create together. 

My infertility is a part of me and our story isn't over — we hope to have more children — but there is a sense that I'm "on the other side." As a new mama to an IVF baby, I've gained new perspective on those past hurts. Today, I look at my infertility journey as I do my c-section scar: Though unexpected and unwanted, through it came something beautiful.

Me & my miracle, March 2018.

17 Years, Still Missing You

It's strange. I'm always hyper-aware of the date. I've thought about it many times in recent weeks. Heck, I thought about it yesterday! And yet, somehow, it took me until 6:30 tonight, while making dinner, to realize. I saw the expiration date on a package of chicken and gasped: It's April 26.

Seventeen years have passed since Jeremy died. And this is, to my recollection, the first time I almost forgot the day we lost him. Of course I could never actually forget the date, but I nearly missed recognizing the date today.

When we visited Southern California earlier this month, we stopped by the cemetery with Delilah so she could "meet" her uncle. I know he isn't there and I truly believe he saw her — celebrated her — the moment she was born. Yet I still felt a desire to stop by his grave. But I kept it quick. I had mascara on! We had places to be, people to see, and I knew if I lingered too long or spoke the words in my heart that the tears would start and they'd be hard to stop. 

It goes without saying but I'll say it anyway. Jeremy, I miss you. Even when I almost forget to stop and think about how much I miss you, I miss you. (I blame today on mom brain, for real.) You were a wonderful son, brother, friend... And I know you would have been an amazing uncle if given the chance. That's what hurts the most sometimes, that those joys were stolen from you, from us, from Delilah. Life isn't fair and there's no good reason for you to be gone... and yet life goes on, just as you would want it I suppose. When Delilah is older, she will hear about her Uncle Jeremy, because grief has not silenced your name or memory. You are still living in the hearts and minds of those who loved you and that will never change, no matter how many years pass ... or how busy our days get. Love you always. 

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(P.S. Last year's post.)