IVF Update | Egg Retrieval

Hopeful and smiling, prior to the egg retrieval.

I've been avoiding writing an update all day, but the day is almost done and I can't hide anymore. I spent most of the hours after my egg retrieval crying, or sleeping in order to forget and not cry. I feel just fine physically, but emotionally I'm shattered. 

I went into the procedure with more optimism than my pragmatic (sometimes cynical) self usually can muster. But I really felt hopeful. Even knowing that I wasn't expected to get a ton of eggs like other women might, I was OK with the 7-8 my doctor estimated. For some reason that number felt safe. And I was so bloated from all the injections, I took that as a positive sign. I had so much hope, and I was trying so hard to trust and have faith. 

But when the doctor who did my retrieval came into recovery with the news, my hopeful heart broke. Only 4 eggs. That's all they got. Apparently the large follicles were still there, but nothing inside. He said sometimes when they get so big the egg dies. Unfortunately, I had a wide spread of follicle sizes, and he told Greg and I prior to going in that he expected to get "a handful," but I still wasn't prepared for the outcome. My husband, like me, said his heart dropped upon hearing the number, that it felt like "a punch to the gut." I wish I'd had the presence of mind to ask the doctor more questions, but it took everything in me not to burst out crying. One tear slid down my cheek before he left the recovery bay. 

From there I quickly sank into a deep depression; to say I was devastated doesn't even fully describe it. I cried as I left the clinic, cried on the drive home, cried when I called my mom to tell her the news. I felt all my hope slipping away. But I know it's not over yet. I know "four is better than nothing" (even though it doesn't feel that way when you know the statistics). Maybe we will beat the odds. Maybe. Hopefully. So that's where I'm at: Trying to fight my way back to hope tonight.

(Image via PocketFuel)