IVF Update | On Fertilization... and Faith

(Image via PocketFuel)

Since I slept most of the afternoon away yesterday, I didn’t go back to bed until about 2 a.m. this morning. I tossed and turned and although I wasn’t that comfortable, I wasn’t ready to drag myself out of bed when the dogs tried to rouse me around 8 o'clock. Just as I dozed off again, suddenly I heard my phone ring. It was 8:30, and it was the clinic.

My heart stopped. I cleared my throat and I answered the phone, running downstairs as I said hello to the doctor on call. When I reached the living room, I saw my husband sitting on the couch, and I turned on the speaker so he could hear.

At first she just asked how I was feeling, if I was recovering well after the retrieval. I told her I felt OK physically. Any nausea or vomiting? No, I replied. How did the spot look where my IV was placed, how was it healing? Just fine, I said. Was I in any pain, and if so, how much? None, I told her. Other than still feeling bloated, I explained that I felt like my normal self, like nothing had happened. A bit surprised, the doctor said I was recovering better than most and — finally getting to the good stuff — that my eggs were doing better than is typical, too.

Of the four retrieved, all four fertilized.

I could hardly believe my ears. My husband leapt from the couch, up into the air, fist bumping, smiling as wide as could be. As he came back down he grabbed me, as if to shake me into the reality of what the doctor was telling us. I immediately started to cry tears of joy as the doctor continued speaking, letting us know all four embryos looked good so far.

After a moment, I finally managed to squeak out a few words. I can’t quite remember them now, but something along the lines of how grateful I was for the good news.

Hearing the emotion in my voice, the doctor sympathized about how hard it must have been getting just four eggs yesterday and how worried I must have felt. Nevertheless, all four were mature and fertilized. They had beat the odds. She cautioned that we still have a ways to go and as relieved as I feel, I don’t want to get ahead of myself either.

And yet, I want to celebrate today. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but today we received the most wonderful news. The best news we could have gotten after yesterday.

The doctor and I said goodbye and as I hung up the phone, Greg and I embraced. I weeped happy tears in his shirt, big gulping sobs. I felt myself begin to release every worst fear, every bad thought, that clung to my heart and mind before the call. I laughed and cried simultaneously.

My sweet husband, whose optimism always helps to light my way, offered more reassurance.

“We have babies,” he said. “And they’re strong. They’re fighters, like mommy and daddy.”

Yesterday, I felt like my body was betraying me. I had so much doubt. But God is bigger than my doubt. And maybe He gave us just four eggs because they were the best eggs.

“You’ve done so good through all of this, babe,” Greg continued, rubbing my arm. 

Those few words were the validation I desperately needed to hear. As a woman struggling with infertility, I put so much pressure and even more blame on myself. I have been trying to do everything right and yesterday I kept thinking: Maybe I hadn’t done enough.

But my husband says I’m enough. God says I’m enough. And four eggs can be enough.

My prayer now is that our precious embabies will continue to grow and develop in the lab. That the embryologists will take good and careful care of them. And that God would be the guiding hand in all of it, providing His protection as they continue to form into what we so sincerely hope will be our miracle baby, or babies.

(Image via PocketFuel)