IVF Update | Embryo on Board

Yesterday’s fresh embryo transfer went as well as we could have ever hoped.

The day started on a positive note with a call from our primary doctor informing us that we had a nice embryo for transfer. Since we hadn’t received an update the day before, that news helped put me more at ease. Once we got to the clinic, I settled into the transfer room and showed off my lucky Hatch & Attach socks from TTC Greeting Cards. The transfer nurse was talkative, so that was a welcome distraction, too.

After awhile, Dr. Weckstein, the IVF and medical director for the clinic, came into the room. He had a huge smile and a sunny personality. I could tell he was trying to bring as much light and encouragement as possible into the transfer, which we so appreciated.

The doctor remarked that we had a great looking embryo, adding that our little embaby had actually grown substantially in the few hours since our conversation with Dr. Willman that morning. He showed us a photo of our embryo, which I had been so eager to see, and I — as is common these days — burst into happy tears at the sight. It was truly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My baby. Our baby.

I asked Greg today what he thought when he saw the photo of our embryo and he said that, while it didn't look anything like a baby, he still had the feeling of “this is our child.”

“Words can’t describe,” he said. “I was in awe… Just taking it all in. I was thinking we have come so far, and this is our child.”

The doctor looked at my uterus on the ultrasound and said it looked great, too, noting that my uterine lining was nice and thick. While he got me prepared for the transfer, Dr. Weckstein explained that an embryologist, Fleur, would be coming in to verify my identity and then she would go back into the lab to retrieve our embryo at the last possible moment. We were able to watch on a screen in the transfer room as she did just that, showing us the Petri dish etched with our last name and then zooming in on our embaby. Before we knew it, Fleur was drawing up the embryo into a catheter and a few seconds later she came into the room with the special delivery.

From there, the doctor slipped the catheter right in, through my cervix, and placed the embryo right where it needs to be inside my uterus. Greg and I watched it all happen on the ultrasound screen. We could see the catheter. A quick flash of light when the doctor released the embryo into my womb. I was holding my breath, swallowing back tears and trying to remain still; I was so afraid that the emotions I felt bubbling up inside me would spill out and disrupt the delicate procedure.

The transfer was mere seconds, but the whole experience was so wonderful and incredibly emotional. And surreal. Part of me couldn’t believe it was happening. Today, I’m still not sure it has sunk in.

For now, we wait. And pray that this precious embryo sticks, and gets all snugly and cozy. The doctor was optimistic about our chances but of course nothing is guaranteed. Our beta test is scheduled for March 10, and undoubtedly the next eight days are going to be long ones… My focus is going to be to try to rest, relax and not give too much of my mental or emotional energy to worry. And while I’m not totally sold on some of the crazy TWW (two-week wait) tips and tricks (old wive’s tales?) that are out there, I did drink Pom juice, eat pineapple core and snack on Brazil nuts today. I also had avocado toast for breakfast, huzzah! But that’s pretty normal for me. I figure anything that makes me feel better and makes me feel like I am doing everything I can to help this baby hatch, attach and grow is A-OK. Because I am only 1dp5dt (one day past five-day transfer) and I can already feel the anxiety creeping in.

Philippians 4:6-7 will be my prayer in the wait:

IVF Update | Transfer Day is Here!

(image via)

A piece of my heart is sitting in a lab in San Ramon…

The days since the retrieval have been long and filled with anxiety. I told my doctor I feel like I’ve been on pins and needles every day, waiting for news about my embryos. I expected to get updates about our four embryos each morning, but I only got a call on Day 1 (with the fertilization report), Day 3 and, today, Day 5. Suffice to say, days 2 and 4 were completely nerve-wracking, wondering what might be going on in that laboratory 30 miles away. Saying a prayer for my babies every free minute that I wasn’t working or sleeping. Hoping with all my heart that they were doing well, that they were growing and dividing and doing all the things that embryos should do.

To say I’ve been a total mess would be an understatement. Maybe it’s the Estrace, maybe it’s the Endometrin, but I’ve been emotionally unstable at best. And truly, I doubt it’s the medication. It’s deep desire mixed with incredible fear. I already shared about the emotions surrounding our egg retrieval and Day 1 update. Many tears.

On Monday morning (Day 3), I had just finished making a bowl of oatmeal when my phone rang. It was the clinic. I took a deep breath, tried my best to steady myself, and answered the call. It was Dr. Willman with an update. She informed me that three of our embryos were doing well, they were dividing nicely, and one was what they would consider fair — it was dividing more slowly than the others, but it could catch up. 

As much as I wanted to hold it together, I broke down. Literally. At first I tried to scribble notes on a scrap piece of paper so I could relay the information to my husband. But as the tears flooded my eyes I had to stop and I fell to the floor beside the desk.

I broke down mostly out of relief for the positive news, but there was also a bit of sadness for the runt of the litter. And of course I was still somewhat paralyzed by the fears that never want to leave my mind, of what could happen in the days ahead. Sitting on my knees, sniffling, choking back tears, I told Dr. Willman I was trying not to cry… quite unsuccessfully. She understood, but told me to focus on the positive. Three embryos were doing very well and we were on track for a transfer on Wednesday.

Today is that day. Transfer day. We’ve made it. It was a long five days but here we are, by the grace of God. I fully believe He has been with us, and our embryos, through it all.

The doctor’s update this morning was positive as well. She said we have a nice embryo for transfer today, and two others that she thinks will be at the blastocyst stage by tomorrow, and can then be frozen.

The last few days, I’ve had lots of questions. I’ve been wondering if I should have been asking more questions. But every time I get a call, I’m so overcome with emotion that all I can usually manage to say is “OK” and “thank you.” Yesterday, looking at the social accounts of other infertile women on journeys that are aligning with my own, I began to feel doubt. Should I know more about my embryos? Should I have had another appointment at the clinic since the retrieval for an ultrasound or blood draw? But I decided I have no need or room for more doubt. What I need is trust. To trust that my doctor knows what she is doing. It’s not necessary for me to know all the technicalities at this point. Because at the end of the day there is nothing I can do but pray, wait and trust.

I’m excited and nervous for our transfer, happening just after noon, today. I have so much love and hope for this little embryo. My mother-in-law texted me that she is praying today will be the beginning of my nine-month journey to becoming a mommy. That’s my prayer, too.