NIAW 2018: Flip the Script

National Infertility Awareness Week is technically over (I’m a day late!) but it got me thinking about my fellow infertility warriors — those still in the fight and those who are still healing from their battle wounds — and what NIAW means to me now. This kind of goes without saying but, infertility is a hard road to walk. You can feel helpless and hopeless, and too often alone. And even after you get your miracle, that pain of what you went through doesn't disappear. As in the wake of a bad relationship, you will sometimes carry (and open up) that baggage into your "happily ever after." Infertility changes you, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

Infertility cultivated within me patience and perseverance, and it forced me to find the positive — it was the only way to continue on. It reconnected me to my faith and required me to invest not only in treatment, but in hope. It strengthened the bonds of my marriage, deepening my husband and I's trust in one another. Infertility reaffirmed my heart's lifelong desire to be a mother and made the welcoming of my daughter that much sweeter. 

Infertility took from me the ability to get pregnant "the natural way," it took away the mystery and spontaneity of it all and it did, unfortunately, take a bit of the joy at times BUT infertility didn't steal one ounce of love out of the equation. Yes, we needed the help of science. Glorious, God-given science. Assisted reproductive technology is an amazing thing! But like any TTC couple, at the end of the day our effort to conceive was all about love. Love for each other and love for the life we so desperately wanted to create together. 

My infertility is a part of me and our story isn't over — we hope to have more children — but there is a sense that I'm "on the other side." As a new mama to an IVF baby, I've gained new perspective on those past hurts. Today, I look at my infertility journey as I do my c-section scar: Though unexpected and unwanted, through it came something beautiful.

Me & my miracle, March 2018.

17 Years, Still Missing You

It's strange. I'm always hyper-aware of the date. I've thought about it many times in recent weeks. Heck, I thought about it yesterday! And yet, somehow, it took me until 6:30 tonight, while making dinner, to realize. I saw the expiration date on a package of chicken and gasped: It's April 26.

Seventeen years have passed since Jeremy died. And this is, to my recollection, the first time I almost forgot the day we lost him. Of course I could never actually forget the date, but I nearly missed recognizing the date today.

When we visited Southern California earlier this month, we stopped by the cemetery with Delilah so she could "meet" her uncle. I know he isn't there and I truly believe he saw her — celebrated her — the moment she was born. Yet I still felt a desire to stop by his grave. But I kept it quick. I had mascara on! We had places to be, people to see, and I knew if I lingered too long or spoke the words in my heart that the tears would start and they'd be hard to stop. 

It goes without saying but I'll say it anyway. Jeremy, I miss you. Even when I almost forget to stop and think about how much I miss you, I miss you. (I blame today on mom brain, for real.) You were a wonderful son, brother, friend... And I know you would have been an amazing uncle if given the chance. That's what hurts the most sometimes, that those joys were stolen from you, from us, from Delilah. Life isn't fair and there's no good reason for you to be gone... and yet life goes on, just as you would want it I suppose. When Delilah is older, she will hear about her Uncle Jeremy, because grief has not silenced your name or memory. You are still living in the hearts and minds of those who loved you and that will never change, no matter how many years pass ... or how busy our days get. Love you always. 

.

.

.

(P.S. Last year's post.)

SIX

Six months. SIX months. Can you believe it? I hardly can. Our little lady Delilah Wren has been in our lives for half a year... though, she's been a piece of our hearts forever. We met 6 months ago in the most unexpected of ways and parenthood continues to surprise Greg and I. It's everything we dreamed and nothing we imagined. Funny, right? It's harder, but it's better. Being this girl's mama and dada is the very best thing. The past 25 weeks now seem to have flown by in a blink. Suddenly she's not so tiny anymore (over 15 pounds!) and she's starting to get on the move. I can't pause time so I'm just trying to soak in every moment, and we're looking forward to all the fun adventures ahead with our sweet, silly, smart, getting-stronger-every-day, adorable girl.

__________

A few accomplishments and favorites this past month:

• Rolling over! Delilah rolled over on her own for the first time on March 29 at 22 weeks. Now, she can roll over from back to belly and vice versa, though the latter is not always on purpose... yet she does seem to be getting more in control every day. Baby girl especially loves to roll over in her play gym the moment mama walks away to get coffee / go to the bathroom / run upstairs for some miscellaneous item. It’s like a game because when you are sitting right next to her, you often have to convince and entice her to show off her rolling skills. But you shift your gaze and BAM! She’s half off her playmat.

• With rolling over came a newfound tolerance and, dare I say it, enjoyment of tummy time. No longer are we timing how long Delilah is on her belly or pulling out every trick in the book to get her to stay on her tummy just 30 seconds longer. She’s in TT… she’s out of TT… and she’s back in… multiple times a day. And she can hang for quite awhile given enough motivation (the dogs are a favorite) but she does eventually tire. She also seems to be more aware of the fact that she can’t quite move the way we can and she gets frustrated. She sees something (the dogs, or a toy) and she wants to get there, but can’t. Cue the tears and rubbing her face in the floor. Delilah has begun to pull her legs and feet up though, a pre-crawling milestone, so she’s making progress! One day soon, she will get there. (But not too soon, baby!)

• While crawling is likely still a few months off, we have been working on sitting up. Delilah can’t sit up just yet, and makes no attempts to do so when laying on the floor, but she is constantly crunching her little abs to bring herself forward when reclining in our arms. (This often leads to spit up all over Greg and I, especially when she performs this “exercise” after her bottle.) She can “sit up” in our laps, propped forward, for a minute or so, but we’re anxiously awaiting the day she learns to truly sit and hold her head steady in that position. Practice will make perfect!

• Our long-legged baby finally found her feet! She didn't seem at all interested in them even though she loved us kissing them... And then one day she purposefully grabbed her foot! Delilah isn't all that fascinated by them as some other babies are, but she has made a few hilarious efforts to suck her big toe — but only found success when leaning waaaayyy over in that propped position on our laps. I think her long legs make putting her toes in her mouth a tad tricky.

• Watching Greg and I eat has been an intriguing spectator sport for Delilah for some time now. She always seemed to just be wondering what we were doing and was bemused by our biting, munching and crunching. But something clicked and now, in just the past two weeks, she wants what we have. When out at restaurants, she has begun reaching for our plates, our food. But even before eyeing our food, she was obsessed with cups. Cups of all kinds. Glass, plastic, paper, even cans. Doesn’t matter. She is unusually excited by our beverages and if she’s in your lap she will reach up to grab said drink as you bring it to your lips.

• Delilah has been much more vocal in recent weeks. She’s not babbling with consonant sounds yet but she absolutely loves to squeal and scream at the top of her lungs when she is really happy or excited. She seems to get a kick out of hearing her own octave range. (Out-of-the-ordinary sounds/faces/gestures also tend to be winners when it comes to making Delilah laugh!) She learned to blow raspberries and was pretty fixated on that new skill for about a week but it seems to have lost its luster, ha! Every morning though, without fail, when Delilah wakes up she coos to herself. No matter how tired, it is the sweetest way to greet a new day.

• A final note, as of our trip to Southern California a week and a half ago, Delilah is no longer sleeping in her bassinet at night! While “on the road,” staying with friends and then a hotel, she had to sleep in her play yard. She seemed to like having more space; in the bassinet, she was consistently getting herself wedged into funny positions, most recently with her body turned perpendicular to how we laid her down, her legs up on the side wall of the tiny crib. In the play yard, she had more freedom to move and I swear that girl was facing a different direction every time I woke up and checked on her. She was spinning — albeit, slowly — in circles! So when we got home Greg and I decided to swap her bassinet for the play yard that really hadn’t seen much use until now. I have a heck of a time getting in and out of bed but this mama is not quite ready to let her baby sleep in her own crib in her own room. I'm holding on to this stage of having her right next to me just a little bit longer.